DM-Nastics #106: Monster Menu by Spidersbane

1. Oystes de roche

2. Two large bi-sected and deviled pupiled eye-balls of the dreaded basilisk.  Garnished with a drizzled orange sauce, and a root vegetable puree.  

3.  Vegetable aromas with a finish of coppery notes and hints of sulfur.

4. A creamy and salty balance of vegetable and eye-ball.  The basalisk eyes should be puree'd enough that they don't petrify the cook or the eater, but not too much as to ruin the flavor and turn it rubbery.  

5. This dish is truly a dish worthy of a Mithril Chef (in a Gordon Ramsay voice) because if you aren't careful while preparing this dish you will be petrified.  And if you haven't prepared it right, you're customer will be petrified!


My take on the food mages attempting these dishes are like the master chefs that make fugu in japan.  www.google.com/search?q=fugu+chef&rlz=2C1ASUT_enUS0537US0537&oq=fugu+chef&aqs=chrome..69i57.1990j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
It's a dangerous dish to make and consume, but amazingly unique and delicious when prepared appropriately.

The eater should experience a "slight" petrification effect that will feel comparable to getting drunk, as well as bowel movements will be more solid for the next 24 hours.  This effect purges any stomach illnesses, cures dysentery, and helps the body retain water.  It is a popular delicacy in any environment where basilisks are found.

A take on the food mage: (and his apprentice)

You arrive at a local outdoor restaurant where tables and chairs are bunched closely together and an old man wearing simple clothes stands behind a stone pillar with fire coming out of the top. Across the edges of the pillar lay a stone tray of some sort with long, thin holes cut out of it. He calls this his grill when you ask, as he tosses spices and ingredients together and a large chopping knife works on its own cutting up pieces of vegetables and meat of some sort. As you watch, he pulls the folded triangle of cloth down from the top of this head and wraps it over his nose before taking the lid off of a large pot sitting atop the "grill". You immediately regret your curiosity as a terrible smell assaults your senses. Tempted to leave, you glance around the area, seeing how crowded it is and decide to give it a try anyway. You tell the man you'll have whatever he suggests and find a small table to wait for your meal. As you wait, a young girl approaches your table and the empty wooden cup on your table fills with cold water, seemingly on its own. You see the old man nodding approvingly to the girl as she skips away to another customer.





The Meal:

1. Cavern Kabobs



2. Small chunks of a pink meat pair with charred mushrooms and the vibrant green of boiled cactus in trios down a set of wooden skewers. Grill lines criss cross along the ingredients, showing that after being cooked, these kabobs were thrown on the grill for only a few minutes. These are served on long and thin wooden platers along with a small wooden bowl containing a slightly translucent pale orange paste.



3. When the plate is placed before you, the most dominating smell is a thick, nutty scent which wafts up in the steam. Don't sniff the cactus.



4. The meat seems to fall apart in your mouth and as you eat it, you realize where that nutty smell came from - there is something heavy and wholesome to the meat. You next take a bite of the cactus, it is soft and simple with a slightly garlic-y flavor on the surface. The mushrooms taste as expected, a lovely earthy flavor with the salty addition deepened by the slight char. When you dip the kabob in the orange paste, you get a fruity flavor that reminds you of cantaloupe.



5. If you lick anything containing metal (especially iron) in the hour after your meal, you find that it rusts quickly and begins to turn to dust in your mouth. You also notice that you are more aware of metal objects for that hour (+2 to Perception checks involving metals)

1. Name of the Dish

Slow Cooked Beholder Stalk Skewers
(Tigrannosaurus' D&D 5e take on super fugu)

2. Visual Description

Each of these is a single beholder eye stalk, sans eye, served on a foot long stainless steel skewer.

3. Scent

When done properly they smell of hickory smoke, spice and barbeque

4. Flavor

an intense full flavoured meat than sends every nerve in your mouth a-tingling, quite pleasantly,  as if subjected to a mild electric shock

5. Aftertaste, effects, if any.

it turns out that if cooked long enough over a low enough heat some of the beholders narcissism and belief in self godhood somehow remains in the meat. after eating eye stalks one experiences a dizzying high where you believe with all your heart that you are the most sublime, divine, important, god of a being. sometimes during a 'stalk high' one can experience prophetic visions of the future (at DM's discretion. play out a psychedelic hint at a plot hook or key story point) the high lasts for hours and those who have experienced it claim it to be a transformative and life changing experience. as a result this is an incredibly sought after dish amongst the most elite of food connoisseurs. the only thing more hotly sought after is chefs who know how to properly cook it.

BECAUSE:

if undercooked the paranoia of the beholder is not fully sweated from the meat and the high is coloured with a sense that everyone is seeking to dethrone you from your rightful position as the greatest being of all creation. dinner parties where this has happened have sometimes descended into bloodbaths where the guests have each sought to rid themselves of the supposed usuroers. even worse - this profoundly sickening feeling does not end with the high and persists for 1d4+1 weeks.

AND:

if overcooked the sense of being a god is literally baked out and all that is left is the plane wandering madness of the death tyrant. on eating overcooked stalk meat make a charisma save at disadvantage DC 14. on a success take 6d6 poison damage and be rendered unconscious for 1d6 rounds. on a failed roll your mind is drawn irrevocably away from your body and into an alternate plane. the catatonic body remains, soulless, and will waste away from starvation in 2d6 days. At DM discretion run an epic side quest to recover your fallen dining mate's soul from a pocket dimension of madness.

Perhaps you can kick off at the end of such a meal where the lord of the land and all his court tried the meal... and it went bad. Some are high, some poisoned, some mad... and the young Queen or King is currently in a soulless catatonia. Your party has been summoned to scour the Death Tyrant pocket dimension for their Soul. Think Alice in Wonderland writ large as a short but intense one shot. Can you succeed before the Queen starves and the kingdom is plunged into chaos of civil war. Maybe she is the queen of hearts....

Of course there is no better food mage than the cool cat who can turn my veggie dish into a meaty one.

1. Owlbear Steak with a powdered beak Sauce

2. When presented the plate, you will notice resembles any other upscale steak dinner, but when using such exotic ingredients, you will see the differences become apparent. This includes the meat itself, not being quite a red meat or white meat. It sits somewhere in between to the point where it almost looks like a pork chop with sear marks. A thick dipping glaze is set to the side of the plate and it is accompanied with your choice of side(Go with the frostfell garlic mashed potatoes. They're to die for).

3. As anyone I'm sure will tell you, the secret to the perfect owlbear steak is in the dry rub. Lifegrass, feathered rose, and basil set up the base. it's lightly tossed before left to brown in a pan and in the last moments before pulling it off the heat, you add in the owlbear fur. it burns away quickly and leaves the rub with a wild scent. Like walking through a forest... with a burning owlbear on your tail. This is of course what you're smelling now. Infused and seared into the steak itself.

4. How are your first few bites? Hard to place the taste? Try it with the glaze on the side. Not many get to try owlbear steak with the beak sauce. lots of bear, little of owl! Mhhmm! You're getting it now. The mushroom and cream base mixed with our secret spices and powdered owlbear beak brings the whole dish together. The beak itself accentuates each individual part before bringing it back together to form the flavor explosion. But Pace yourself. Savor it. Take as much time as you need.

5. Alright. I hope everything was to your liking and more. And how will you be paying this evening? Hello? Sir? Oh dear. Bossman! It happened again! Yep! Flavor OD! I told you to slow down. Hello, sir? You'll be fine. This will wear off by the morning. We have rooms prepared for such an event. Of course you'll have to be charged. Oh bother, you probably can't even hear me anyway. Well then, I'll make sure your and our needs are tended to. Starting with my tip...

1. Name of the Dish - Screamy Mushroom Grits

2. Visual Description - Slices of red gray mushroom flesh is mixed in a slightly off-white, lumpy base. Garnished with your choice of shredded or grated cheese, sliced leeks, chopped nuts, or whatever you have on hand to add color and/or flavor.

3. Scent - Like a dark cave after a rainstorm.

4. Flavor - Slightly meaty, earthy, and smokey. Garnish and additives personalize the flavor.

5. Aftertaste, effects, if any. Roll 2d4. 1 - No effect, 2 - Immunity to the Frightened condition, 3 - Immunity to Deafened condition, 4 - Blindsight to 30'

If the result of the dice is the same you have the Shriek ability of the Shreiker (When bright light or a creature is within 30 feet of the shrieker, it emits a shriek audible within 300 feet of it. The shrieker continues to shriek until the disturbance moves out of range and for 1d4 of the shrieker's turns afterward.)

All effects last for a number of hours equal to the total of 2d4 roll.

C. 
1. Name of the Dish

Deep Fried 'Noodle'

Ingredients: (yields 6-8 serves)
1/4 cup (60ml) Piercer mucus ^{[olive oil]}
1 teaspoon refined ghost fungi essence ^{[garlic, crushed/paste]}
1 teaspoon fresh or dried chopped Lakeweed ^[rosemary]
1/2 teaspoon saltrock ^{[sea salt]}
1/4 teaspoon crushed fire beetle carapace ^{[cayenne pepper]}
280g (10 ounces) peeled Flumph tentacles ^{[zucchini noodles]}
1/2 cup of grated Secret Ingredient ^{[portobello mushrooms]}
1 teaspoon of filed rust monster carapace ^{[brown sugar]}
2 tablespoons of Stirge ichor ^{[lime juice]}

Process: (Prep, 8-15m, Cook time 15-20m)
1.
Heat the mucus^[oil] in a frying pan with the essence^[garlic], Lakeweed^[rosemary], salt^{[sea salt]} and crushed carapace^{[cayenne pepper]} until the essence^[garlic] starts to sizzle.
2.
Add the tentacles[noodles] and Secret Ingredient^{[grated portobello mushrooms]} and turn up the heat slightly to fry for 3 to 5 minutes, stirring often.
3.
Add the filed carapace^{[brown sugar]} and continue to fry, stirring often. Turn the heat back down and add the ichor^{[lime juice]} and stir for a further 3 minutes, until the tentacles^[noodles] start to get tender and the edges become golden brown.


2. Visual Description
The cooking process activates small air pockets that shift within the tentacles, creating the visual of a writhing mass within the bowl. The pale and golden 'noodles' steam up out of the bowl in small wisps with the suble additions of the secret ingredient and lakeweed finely spread throughout. It can also be garnished with some fresh lakeweed on top if desires.
 
3. Scent
The bowl of food smells damp, warm and slightly acridly spiced. Notes of the lakeweed mixes with the fumes and the lingering tang of the ichor is whispered at.

4. Flavor
The bowl is an Underdark delicacy and not necessarily palatable to all. Those who enjoy it however will find the mix of spice, herb and tang to combine wonderfully around the fresh noodle flavour. The secret ingredient adds a bit more bite to the meal and thickens the flavour with protein. 


5. Aftertaste, effects, if any.
If the Purify Food and Drink spell is cast over this meal as it is being prepared (min 3 times), it is stripped of all toxins while being imbued with magic. Those who consume one portion of the meal feel magical effects change their abilities for 1 hour. Your eyes pale until they are milky white and your skin becomes photosensitive. You gain the following effects:
- If you are in full light you are considered blinded. In dim light you have disadvantage on any check that relies on sight.
- If any part of your body is exposed to bright light, you take 1d4 points of damage per round this persists.
- As long as you are in complete darkness you gain blindsight of 30ft


Food Mage: Culinary Artificer. Reflavour your tools and abilities with alchemist to make cakes and pastries made from the parts of creatures you slay. Spells implanted into items could be used as cooking appliances. Cantrips could be chosen to support your cooking; frostbite to flash freeze food for preservation, mage hand for extra help, prestidigitation for its many uses and shocking grasp to sear meat?

Edit: Apologies for also taking C. I made the post as it was still shown as a spoiler before seeing that letterlost also chose this.