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Post by DM D. on May 15, 2017 3:46:06 GMT
I'm a fledgling DM hoping to get some advice. I'm having some issues with my group, and as someone new to the hobby, I'm trying to sort out what I should do next. But there are two things I need to establish, which I assume will be pretty common to all of us in this community.
Number one. I spend a lot of time prepping for games because I love it. But sometimes, you need your players to help guide your preparation, so I have a habit of contacting players outside of sessions to get their perspectives on things. Nothing too demanding, usually, but sometimes I'll request a small amount of thinking or research.
Number two. My school and work schedule limit our play time to three-hour sessions once a week. That's more than some groups get, I know. But if things were different, I'd endeavor to play more often. When I hear about groups that manage 6+ hours sessions, I get jealous. But you can't help life. Regardless, it can still be distressing when we miss sessions, especially several in a short span.
These things have become a conflict. Many of my group's members don't share the hunger I have for DnD. It's been tough getting them to do things outside of sessions, but I've tried regardless. They also don't feel the same distress I do when we miss a session or two. Last week, it came to light that some of them felt that I was too demanding as a DM. It was even said that at least one of them felt that the game was just for me. Other players took less hardline stances and one took my side. However, this still hurt because I've always endeavored to tailor the game to them and their characters.
Amidst the high tensions, I put the group on hiatus. We're going to talk things out this week, and I'm going to go in with an open mind. But I feel as though I'm going to be asked to dial things back, which makes me sad. I love this game. I want to put work in and have my players engage with it as well. Obviously, they'll never have the level of involvement that I have as the DM, but I know that there are players out there that enjoy thinking about things outside of sessions.
So, my question is this: Is a less-involved group that I need to restrain myself for just something I need to learn to accept? Or is it better to search for a group that better matches my style? I'm not sure what I want to bring to the table at our discussion -- whether I need to be ready to compromise or whether I'm allowed to ask them to adapt to me.
Thanks for your advice.
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Post by dmsam on May 15, 2017 6:23:44 GMT
I've had a similar problem. When I first started playing this game, the people I played with were far less enthusiastic about it than I was, and we would constantly miss sessions, among other issues. These were also real-life friends, which meant there were plenty of other things we could do besides DnD. Now, if you are a "casual" gamer, that might be perfectly fine. However, I tend to be far more invested into my hobbies than my peers, so. . .
My advice on the matter is that you should DEFINITELY find yourself another group. Roll20 and other online platforms allow for very easy matchmaking, and you are quite likely going to find something you want there. Be aware that not every group will fit what you are looking for, but with a little effort, it should not be too difficult to get a stable group of players. Don't settle with anything less than desirable. This is your hobby, after all.
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Post by dmgenisisect on May 15, 2017 7:53:49 GMT
I agree a lot with DM Sam, it seems like your group only want a casual engagement with the hobby and you desire more then that, the solutions that doesn't end up with one or more person unhappy is finding a new group. You could run both, that way you'll be busy prepping for both/the other game and that will slack your hunger a bit, or your second group will share your intensity and as such will offer you the experience you need.
Another suggestion is PbP, it's great for keeping engaged with the hobby between sessions, though the pacing is way different to live gaming...
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Post by DM D. on May 15, 2017 13:04:36 GMT
I've had a similar problem. When I first started playing this game, the people I played with were far less enthusiastic about it than I was, and we would constantly miss sessions, among other issues. These were also real-life friends, which meant there were plenty of other things we could do besides DnD. Now, if you are a "casual" gamer, that might be perfectly fine. However, I tend to be far more invested into my hobbies than my peers, so. . . My advice on the matter is that you should DEFINITELY find yourself another group. Roll20 and other online platforms allow for very easy matchmaking, and you are quite likely going to find something you want there. Be aware that not every group will fit what you are looking for, but with a little effort, it should not be too difficult to get a stable group of players. Don't settle with anything less than desirable. This is your hobby, after all. DM Sam, this is strikingly similar to my own situation... I definitely have a tendency to get way more invested in my hobbies than others, and this is also a group of real-life friends, which makes things a little tenuous. But that's why we're having a sit-down. Anyways, thank you for your input! I guess I felt a little guilty about wanting another group because I've been through a couple of groups already, both as a player and as a DM (the first two fell apart due to scheduling and the third and fourth due to players deciding they didn't want to play anymore). None of them have really matched my enthusiasm, so I wasn't sure if my expectations were reasonable. Also, a lot of the rhetoric around DM'ing says that a good DM adapts to suit their players. So, I've been wondering if I'm a bad DM because I want my players to play a certain way, or at least be engaged a certain amount. DMGenisisect, that definitely rings true. I got the feeling that some of my players didn't want to play the same way I did, but I didn't want to axe the whole thing because of something that seemed small at the time. Turned out to be bigger than I thought... I'd love to run both, but my schedule permits me only two days to actually do stuff, so that's an impossibility at the moment. As much as I'd love to dedicate those two days to DnD, I know I should hvae a day to do non-DnD things XD I'll definitely check out PbP, but I don't know if my schedule will permit that, either. Unfortunately, I managed to land an office job where I'm not allowed to slack for even five seconds... But I'll see if there's something I can find that would work! Thanks to you both! |
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Post by friartook on May 15, 2017 18:09:46 GMT
I've been running a group comprised of friends ("friends first" as opposed to "gamers first") for several years now. Before we began, none of these friends had ever played a TTRPG. We've run through several roster changes and tried a few different games. Near the end of 2016, the group imploded under the weight of scheduling, players who moved, and players who had personal issues. A few of us are just now gearing back in. That's all background, but I wanted to give some context.
You have to ask yourself what is more important: playing the type of game you (theoretically) want to play, or playing the game with people you know and like?
My players do not have the same level of interest or enthusiasm for the hobby that I do. I'd live in this. Spend every evening playing TTRPGs with different groups. If I could get paid to be a professional GM, I would jump at the opportunity! Instead, I'm kind of like you: busy. I've got two jobs and three kids at home. We game 10pm to 12am once a week because that's the only time I can make work. I expected my friends to drop out for a long time...but they kept showing up. We had our conflicts, discussions about metagaming, working through the "video game mentality", frank discussions about play styles and desired game styles. I learned the limits I could push them to, learned what sort of game scenarios they enjoy, and worked to find a balance between what I wanted out of the game and what they wanted out of the game.
If you are still interested in keeping this group alive, I'd encourage beginning the conversation by asking your players what THEY want out of the game. Its possible your desired game isn't as different as you think, and you've just been missing the cues. Ask them what parts of the game they like. Ask them what they are not happy with. Its possible they just aren't interested in "homework". When I decided to involve my players more in the worldbuidling aspect of a new campaign, we ended up spending four sessions on character building and worldbuilding. And before you meet, ask yourself: What sort of game do I want to be playing? What aspects of that are possible with my current group? Is the gap between what is possible and what I want large enough to justify tanking the group and seeking out a new group of strangers who I may or may not get along with as well?
A large, unsung piece of being a good GM is finding a way to keep everyone at the table (including yourself) happy. If you are all friends, its likely you can come to a common ground.
Good luck!
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Post by DM D. on May 16, 2017 17:11:09 GMT
I've been running a group comprised of friends ("friends first" as opposed to "gamers first") for several years now. Before we began, none of these friends had ever played a TTRPG. We've run through several roster changes and tried a few different games. Near the end of 2016, the group imploded under the weight of scheduling, players who moved, and players who had personal issues. A few of us are just now gearing back in. That's all background, but I wanted to give some context. You have to ask yourself what is more important: playing the type of game you (theoretically) want to play, or playing the game with people you know and like? My players do not have the same level of interest or enthusiasm for the hobby that I do. I'd live in this. Spend every evening playing TTRPGs with different groups. If I could get paid to be a professional GM, I would jump at the opportunity! Instead, I'm kind of like you: busy. I've got two jobs and three kids at home. We game 10pm to 12am once a week because that's the only time I can make work. I expected my friends to drop out for a long time...but they kept showing up. We had our conflicts, discussions about metagaming, working through the "video game mentality", frank discussions about play styles and desired game styles. I learned the limits I could push them to, learned what sort of game scenarios they enjoy, and worked to find a balance between what I wanted out of the game and what they wanted out of the game. If you are still interested in keeping this group alive, I'd encourage beginning the conversation by asking your players what THEY want out of the game. Its possible your desired game isn't as different as you think, and you've just been missing the cues. Ask them what parts of the game they like. Ask them what they are not happy with. Its possible they just aren't interested in "homework". When I decided to involve my players more in the worldbuidling aspect of a new campaign, we ended up spending four sessions on character building and worldbuilding. And before you meet, ask yourself: What sort of game do I want to be playing? What aspects of that are possible with my current group? Is the gap between what is possible and what I want large enough to justify tanking the group and seeking out a new group of strangers who I may or may not get along with as well? A large, unsung piece of being a good GM is finding a way to keep everyone at the table (including yourself) happy. If you are all friends, its likely you can come to a common ground. Good luck! friartook, thanks for your perspective! I'm definitely going to ponder these questions going into our discussion on Thursday... Frankly, they're a little tougher than they maybe should be. But I'll need to come up with some answers. Thanks again! |
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mightymkins
Squire
Rookie DM looking for advice and hopefully I can help someone else too!
Posts: 31 
Favorite D&D Class: Ranger
Favorite D&D Race: Goliath
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Post by mightymkins on May 16, 2017 18:48:25 GMT
I'm a very new DM also and already think this will be an issue everybody has to deal with at some point. From what I can tell being the DM of a game generally means you wanted to put a lot of effort into this and enjoy thinking about the game out of sessions (constantly). My group is made up of Friends old and newer and my brother in law, we all have different jobs and different family situations (some having young kids), we don't all live in the same town either so when arranging sessions this extra travel time and financial burden has to be considered. We have a group of 6 players and myself, as we have all discussed it we all have a good understanding that a session will go ahead with 4 Players and although they miss not playing (I hope) we don't let it get in the way.
As far as the players enthusiasm, my group all rave about our sessions out of play and most look forward to the next session but one player is noticeably absent from almost all group messages/discussions and has missed more sessions than the others. When we meet in person they say they cant wait for the next game. I'm dealing with this by carrying on the game for the rest of the group and enjoying playing D and D whomever turns up.
I'm not sure if this is helpful or just a rant. Either way, keep playing D and D whether its with the current group or another and don't lose any friends over it.
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