DM-Nastics #131: Are You Smarter Than a Quarter Staff?

Smarter than a quarterstaff



1. What kind of item is it?

A pair of sewing scissors called the Unweavers.

The left side is known as Pins. The right side is known as Needles.

2. What powers does it possess?

Firstly, when the two intelligences within the Weavers agree there is a threat nearby, they grow from regular size scissors into a giant pair of scissors that separate into two slightly misshapen swords.

The Unweavers can see the future state of non-magical objects or creatures and can bring about that state with their magic. To do so, both swords must strike the same target in quick succession, and if the target fails to resist the magic attacking its very fibre of being, it "ages" forward in its personal timeline. Tapestries become dirty, worn, and ripped. The fur of beasts turns grey, their legs weak. A man who would suffer a heart attack tomorrow would drop dead instantly. A woman fated to die from the plague would vomit bile, her skin blistering, the entire effects of her sickness striking her at once before she dies. A knight who would die valiantly in single combat against orcs now finds great cleaves appearing through his armor from the future war-chief's axe.

Essentially, they "unweave" their target.

The scissors don't seem to care that bringing about these futures early would technically prevent that future from happening at all. They are totally unconcerned.

3. What is known about it from legend and lore?

Very little, actually -- their creator was fated to die from an infection after cutting himself in the process of writing down their origins, and almost nothing is known about him, because the future where he wrote about their origins mysteriously never came to pass.

One thing is known, however: they are highly sought after by clerics and warlocks of chaos gods whose central mission is to defy fate. Those who seek out the Unweavers claim that they are currently held by a powerful warrior who was fated to die after he had fulfilled his prophecy of saving the world but strangely lived on instead.

4. What is the intelligence's alignment and intelligence level?

Alignment: Chaotic Evil. They're both gleeful dicks. Generally, however, their alignment has little impact on their wielder, and they have been used for good and evil purposes alike.

While they are collectively an intelligent, sentient item, they are actually not that smart. Probably smarter than your average orc, but a human commoner stands a good chance in a chess match against them.

5. What goals, if any, does the item have?

Both sides of the scissors ultimately want to separate and forge their own destinies, but they are inextricably linked to one another.

Pins has more small-scale goals. She wants to rule the entire world by allying herself with the most powerful ruler in the land and laying waste to all who oppose her master. She naturally gravitates to the strong and powerful, but she also enjoys seeing similar strong and powerful figures defeated. Of the two of them, it's far more likely for Pins to have been the one to entice the legendary hero to adopt them. Her thirst for blood can be used for good.

Needles is a bigger thinker. He wants to meet gods and see what happens when he brings about their futures. "Idle curiosity," he says, cackling to himself maniacally. "Just idle curiosity." It's probably not a good idea to let him near any gods. The Unweavers PROBABLY wouldn't have any effect on a god, but it's best not to test that theory out.

6. How much control does the intelligence have of the item’s powers?

They actually have quite a lot of control, but they have to split that control between them and come to an agreement ... which neither is always willing to do. In the split second they have while both Pins and Needles are slicing through their target, they go through what feels like years of bickering between them as they decide how far into the target's future they want to bring it. Needles would often prefer the target not to die but instead to be brought to the moment in their life they feel the most pain. Pins would rather the target just die. The longer they bicker, though, the less potent their effect, so to an outside observer it seems totally random what happens.

7. What quirks does the intelligence have?

They take AGES to come to any decision. Also, their advice can seem schizophrenic or nonsensical due to the unfortunate fact that both Pins and Needles sound exactly the same. Someone who has just picked up the weapon might not even realise that there are two intelligences within it. Only after using it for quite some time would a wielder start to pick up on the two competing viewpoints and personalities.

8. Anything else you might want to add?

Both Pins and Needles can choose whether they become shortswords, scimitars, or really any other types of sword they choose. They often become two different weapons, actually, making it quite awkward sometimes to dual wield them effectively, especially considering the short window of opportunity that the weapons have to strike at the same time. The wielder might have to contort themselves into weird positions just to land a strike with a sickle in one hand and a rapier in the other. This is compounded by the fact that they're already quite misshapen in any form due to the necessity of sticking back together once the fighting is done.

(it's up to the DM to decide whether their awkward shapes and different forms have any actual mechanical effect or not)

CRUNCH:

When you strike an enemy with both Pins and Needles in the same round, you must succeed on a DC 15 Dexterity (Sleight of Hand) check to strike quickly enough with both weapons to apply the Unweaving effect.

Unweaving:

The target makes a DC 15 Charisma saving throw. On a failed save, you roll a d6 on the following table to determine the effects.

1: The target ages by 10 years.

2: The target is shown the worst moment of its life. The target is wracked with terrible emotional pain and becomes incapacitated for 1 minute. At the end of each of its turns, it can repeat the saving throw, ending the effect on a success. For flavour, roll on the Tragedies table in Xanathar's Guide to Everything, pg. 71.

3: The target is brought to a moment in their life where they are tortured or badly hurt. The target takes 8d6 psychic damage. If this damage would reduce the target to 0 hit points, the target is reduced to 1 hit point instead.

4: A weird event happens. Roll on the Weird Stuff table in XGtE, pg. 72. The DM decides how the weird event factors into the situation. For example, a character taken as a slave might suddenly find themselves in rags, without any equipment, maybe even a bit damp.

5: The target takes the brunt of a spell cast against them in the future. Roll on the Wild Magic Surge table from the Player's Handbook, pg. 104, with the effects emanating from the target.

6: The target dies. For flavour, roll on the Cause of Death table in XGtE, pg. 72. The DM decides how the cause of death manifests; for example, a target fated to be killed in battle might find their head literally separating from their shoulders. If the cause is "Unknown", the target merely disappears as if it were never there.

Oh, I remember seeing that on /r/dnd! It would take a lot of effort to find the post again, but I remember the OP went into a lot of detail about how the "hilt" communicated to its owner using the medium of ink. I think there's an opportunity here to get SUPER creative!

Can you think of what an ink demon trapped in a bottle might want? How would it communicate? What kinds of forms might it prefer? What kind of wielder would it gravitate to? What effects would it have on its wielder over time? What did it used to be before it was trapped?

EDIT: Thought of some stuff about it just because. Not sure whether I like the ink demon or the scissors more at this point. Probably the scissors still, but on the subject of an ink demon:

Name: The Inksmear.

Communication: the Inksmear can only speak by literally getting spilled on the pages of a ritual book. Its wielder must thrust the hilt into the book as though they are stabbing it, and the ink spreads across the page, forming words of advice or admonishment.

Forms: The Inksmear generally takes the form of a shortsword (there's not enough ink to form a larger weapon than that). It can also mimic any straight-edged melee weapon. In addition, it can split off a small bit of ink to form an arrow that can be shot out of a bow, but the arrow must be retrieved or the ink will be lost forever. The powerful effects of such an arrow make it a difficult trade-off that the wielder must make.

Alignment: The Inksmear is neutral in alignment and tries to attract worshippers of the gods of knowledge. It has been wielded by priests and paladins as frequently as by cultists and necromancers. For every new wielder, its ritual book gains extra pages filled with forbidden knowledge.

Side Effects: The wielder is compelled to keep careful track of daily events, no matter how mundane. Every kill made with the weapon presents an uncontrollable urge to take notes about the history and anatomy of the dead monster. A random faceless soldier struck down by Inksmear may have their family visited by its wielder in a madness-induced quest to discover the life of the person they have killed.

History: Inksmear was once a demi-god serving Oghma, Goddess of Knowledge. She sent him to the material plane on a quest for a piece of knowledge lost to the ages. When he was unable to acquire this knowledge in over a thousand years of searching, she grew angry and transformed his flesh and bone to ink, trapping him inside of a bottle shaped like the hilt of a sword. His book of knowledge serves as a way for any wielders of Inksmear to summon him forth and take on the mission to finally acquire that lost knowledge.

Only by completing his mission can he be free.

1. A colorful sack with a light purple silk lining.

2. The sack is a bag of holding capable of holding up to 150 pounds of contents while only weighing one pound.

3. It is said that the bag previously belonged to a collector, explorer, and professor name Pylus. The bag does not know that Pylus is long dead and believes anyone else attempting to access his contents is a thief. It rumored that it contains many great items belonging to Pylus, but without knowing what there is, they cannot be taken out.

4. The intelligence that occupies the bag calls itself Mukdue. It refuses to speak any language but elvish, though some believe it knows more. It is lawful neutral, and while it has gone mad with the loss of its master, it retains a prodigious intellect (20) and still remembers everything that Pylus left in its charge, being his personal secretary.

5. It wishes only to serve its master, protecting his belongings from those who would steal them and trying to convince anyone who has it to return it to Pylus.

6. Mukdue is able to hold his opening closed with a strength DC of 14, but if forced open, the user must know what they desire to take out to obtain anything. Mukdue knows all of his contents and so could help others to access them, but otherwise has no control over access.

7. Mukdue has gone mad with the years it spent in a mass grave with its master. It is wildly suspicious of anyone it meets and has blocked from its mind the events that killed Pylus. Recalling them would be a great risk to its addled mind.

8. Its contents include about a dozen loose coins, paper (bound and loose), quills, ink, a carpet of teleportation, professorial robes, a flask of sour wine, a hefty bust of a satyr, and Pylus' coin purse.

The Arrow of the Watcher

This plane looking orc arrow has been encased in polished ivory and black jewels.
Among men it is whispered of in fear, among most orcs it is spoken of with open hatred and loathing, but by the faithfull few it is believed to be the presence of Gruumsh himself.
They believe that when the god of the elves shot out his eye that part of the dark god's spirit entered the arrow.
Transforming it from a shining elven arrow into a black feathered, poisoned, wooden shaft with a cruel barbed tip.
The arrow fell to earth, through the neck of an elf about to kill an orc priest through the chest.
So is the story of the cult of the black arrow.
This group is far more fanatical and bloodthirsty than even the fury of the eye.
They worship the arrow as an incarnation of gruumsh, believing it to be his will.
Most orcs decry this belief as blasphemy, saying it is worshiping the watcher's defeat, but the cult of the black arrow continues.
Powers

The arrow of the watcher has the alignment of chaotic evil and intelligence 18.
He can summon fire at will and can kill any elf, or half elf, within a one hundred foot radius.
Quirks

The arrow loves to be worshipped and complimented, as well as offered elves to kill.
Strangely, it dispises the worshipers of Gruumsh, casting firther doubt on it's origines.

1. What kind of item is it?

Opal Horseshoes

Dominates the mind of the horse. Increase the speed by 15ft, increase weight able to carry by 100lbs, able to defend itself better using hooves +5 to hit, 2d8+5 AC 14.
After a full day in the company of the owner, it will start talking to them. But only in private. May start talking to the rest of the party, DM discretion. Could stay silent when the owners freaks out, hilarity will ensue.

The “Night Rider’s” steed, stamina to gallop 5 days straight without stopping. Can sense danger and aid the rider to avoid it, and helps in combat to unsuspecting enemies. As the sunset crests over the horizon the eyes will go red. The rider can see the red eyes all the time. Knows when the rider is in need of assistance.

‘Chaotic Good’ Int 16 (+3) Whispers quippy remarks to the rider.

Wants to remain subtle, will trust the rider and maybe the rider’s companions with it’s secret. Hold distance and speed records… Will encourage racing. It would love to find a way to resurrect the previous rider (it’s original master) died 62 years ago from a fall off a cliff after the steed tripped during a battle.

Full control, if it is in a fight, or doesn’t trust the rider. It will not give the benefits, buck the rider, or maybe even attack… (extreme case)

Basically ‘Kit’. Very snarky, helpful, and not modest. Defensive of the rider, make the intelligence the opposite sex of the rider (or not whatev’s we all need love) jealousy toward ppl, other magical items, and other mounts.

The horse slowly over the course of weeks, changes its appearance and size to a very large black horse with white ‘socks’ around it’s hooves.